Holly's blog

I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to sleep without a single stir.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

im a fuck up. everything i touches fucks up.
I just want to fit in, feel at home. i live in 3 houses and it's killing me. and people in each one are asking everything of me. i cant do it much longer.

lifes overwhelming.
in the past 2 weeks, we've been evicted and had to sort out housing and adam's mother has sadly died unexpectedly.

i dont even know what to say anymore

Day one of being 23.

I've left my bed twice. once to pee, and the other to get cake.
I've been watching the Gilmore Girls since 4am with 2 hours sleep break.
I've spent the morning crying and this afternoon wondering why my feet look big.

23, not so great.

Birthday was crap. family was nice enough to give me money but thats going to the landlord tomorrow. I havent had anything to open. even if it was a chocolate bar i wouldnt mind. without it it just felt like every other mundane day.
Went to the steakhouse in Liverpool with mum for tea, but not before going clothes shopping for her.

quite frankly yesterday sucked balls. and I here by declare that all birthdays from now on will be slept though the entirety of.

in the space of 10 days i have to find £400. i have no job, i have bled my parents dry. and i have no idea where to find it.
we have no food and a random sweedish fella staying with us who eats lots and isnt contributing. I have the landlord on my back. I have the phone being cut off any day now which means my internet will go. my mobile has already been cut off. the max i can get from my dvds is £45 which isnt worth it, i love my dvds too much.
I'm panicing. I just dont know what I can do.

I want to be hugged with passion, not a friendly hello hug.
I want someone to seranade me
I want poems
I want kisses
I want all the things of a relationship
I want fun
I was good times
I want memories I want to remember
I want to not shake when someone raises their voice
I want someone to offer to help out
I want someone to cook for me sometime
I want someone to want me for me, not what i can do for them.

I guess..
I want too much.

i'm not shit on your shoe. I'm the one keeping you above water. when you drown maybe you'll think of me and wish you'd tried harder. stayed calmer. been nicer.
but i guess thats too much to ask from the one you love.

The downwards spiral has been happening for weeks now. The other day i finally felt brave enough to go to the doctors. I'm on anti depressents and he's suggested i go to the counsellor at uni. I'm not a great talker. Especially when it comes to serious matters. If i can't take the piss i struggle.
I'm sick of only being able to sleep part 6am. I'm fed up of never seeing anyone and of feeling like a disposable friend. I try being a good friend. I must either do a crap job or people generally just hate me and use me. I'm always the one to get forgotten about.
But i'm sick of feeling crap about everything. Hopefully these pills will help.

The past few weeks my gramps hasn't been well at all. We actually thought he had a stroke. Thankfully it was nothing that serious but he's still very shaky and i'm worried about him.

Anyways, nothing really aside from those two thing has happened. All a bit blah really. As always

And fuck people with napoleon syndrome. Ok, so i may have done not vast amounts of work like the two swots.. But i did what i could and turned up which is more than some. But basically they had nothing good to say. They asked if i thought i was on the right course. And to be fair.. No. I don't think i am anymore. So, looks like i need to have a quiet think and maybe change on the sly. I'm sick of having to go out of my way to prove people wrong. I'd rather just take it and fail.